The universe told me to write this post. You will be privy to something deep inside my soul. This is about my journey being a mum to one child.

Over 18months ago I wrote a blog post called “Just One Child.”  In this post I shared the issue I had with my personal response to the question “How many children do you have?” – “Just One.” My response said I felt guilty about not being able to produce a sibling for our beautiful daughter Emily. What is said was that I was less of a woman because I could not perform the most basic thing. It reinforced that I was a failure.

After writing that piece, I did change my attitude and response. Now I happily say “I have one!”

Robert and I have been trying to have another baby for over three years. With Emily nearly 6, it has been quite the journey. With taking a multitude of vitamins, checking my temperature daily, tracking my menstrual cycle, checking my bodily fluids even visiting a fertility treatment centre, we felt we tried the best we could. Yes we could have tried more, but we just didn’t have it in us. Trying for so long we just needed to get off that rollercoaster. In the end we realized that we were so blessed. We have the most amazingly smart, funny, imaginative, breathtaking little girl who is our everything. We accepted that it just wasn’t going to happen for us.

This year has been a real turning point for me. When I see babies or pregnant bellies, the feeling in the pit of my stomach isn’t as intense.  That jealousy is fading. Yes it is still there from time to time but most of the time I feel nothing but happiness for that mum.  This has been a huge leap forward for me.

Four months ago I felt ready to sell the pram. I kid you not, I said to the poor mum buying it “You can’t have it unless you promise to look after it.” It took me a long time to feel that I was ready to let it go. It wasn’t just a pram, it was so much more.

When there is change, there are setbacks. Unfortunately these setbacks catch you out. Only a few weeks ago I was sitting in a meeting with 5 other colleagues. As we were saying our goodbyes, one asked, “So are you having any more children?” I proudly and confidently responded “No.” Then she shocked me by asking “Why?” With 5 faces all staring at me, my tough exterior was shattered. My brain kept saying over and over “how can she ask me this?” This question came from a mum of one too. Weren’t we on the same team? Luckily everyone else in the room could see the horror on my face and jumped in and rescued me by saying how amazing Emily was. So clearly, I am not totally over it.

Robert and I often talk about our “little family.” Now interestingly we focus on all the positives about having one child and in fact one starting “big school” next year. We no longer have nappies to change, toilet training to implement or dictated by nap schedules. We don’t need to get up a thousand times a night.

For Emily, she gets the best of both worlds. She spends a lot of time with friends at school, after school and on weekends. She is also very close to her cousins. On the plus side, she also gets true down time where she doesn’t need to negotiate with others or share her toys. She gets a choice of mummy or daddy to read her a story or even both. She still manages to fight with her fur sister Minnie Moo (the cat), but at the end of the day, it is what it is.

No matter how much guilt I carry or call myself a failure, I cannot suddenly make my body grow a baby. What I do have control over is getting the support I need to deal with the grief. What I have control over is how I respond to those road bumps and pick myself up along the way.

I have a lot to be thankful for. I have the most amazing daughter who is a pure miracle. I have the most loving husband who is my best friend. I am lucky to have so many people in my life who really do love me for me, warts and all. I can no longer dwell on what I cannot change or cannot have.

This is my personal journey being a mum to one. It isn’t over but I can see the light. If you are a mum to one or even a mum to none and are struggling right now, I hear you and I see you. Lean on people around you. Allow yourself to grieve. It does get easier.

Am I completely accepting and ok that I am the mum to one? No. Do I think I will be some day? Yes