I thought I would take the opportunity to share a little bit about myself and hopefully I get to find out a little bit about you too. We might have some things in common?? Do we?
1) I can read and write upside down. This has served me well as a teacher seeing I spend most of my days reading and writing this way.
2) I love to travel. Having the “travel bug” is true for me. I literally get this physical pain high in my stomach when I need to ‘escape’.
3) I drink a lot of wine. In fact I probably drink far too much wine.
4) I am left-handed. Even friends I have known for years will suddenly say “I didn’t know you were left-handed” like it’s something quite shocking!
5) I am allergic to the gym. To be honest I HAVE given the gym a fair crack and when people say that overtime the more you go the more addicted you become, really isn’t true for me. I went for a whole year (twice a week) and hated every minute of it. It was torture.
6) I need my sleep. If I am not sleeping well then I am a red-hot mess. I cry and have tantrums like a 2year old.
7) I love watching “The Real Wives of Beverly Hills.” It is my guilty pleasure and makes me feel a whole lot better about my life.
8) I get anxious a lot. It is a daily battle to manage it and I succeed most of the time with strategies I have learnt over time.
9) I have been married for 10years. I went to the UK for a holiday and bought a husband. Talk about having excess baggage!
10) I am an introvert. This doesn’t mean I hide away from society. In fact I love being in other people’s company but when I’m done, I’m done. I need to chill out on my own.
I know this blog post is not sleep related but I want you to know I am human. I am imperfect in the most perfect way. Please leave a comment and tell me something about yourself…
Janelle Jeffery Child Sleep Consultant for Sleepytime
Accepting or asking for help is hard but so wroth it.
Currently I am a member of a specific Facebook group where mums get to share and ask for each other for parenting help. I often feel saddened when one poor sleep deprived mum asks for sleep help for their baby or child. Nine times out of ten other mums share their ideas (which is great) but many say “suck it up” or “if you wanted sleep you shouldn’t have become a mum in the first place.” It can be a brutal world out there.
Not that long ago I was that sleep deprived mum, yet Facebook wasn’t a big thing. Hard to believe I know. I was curled up in a ball… my husband came home with advice and tips from another dad from his work, to help us with our daughter’s sleep or lack there of. I had been up every hour feeding, pumping and settling her.During the day I was lucky to get 45mins at a time. I didn’t ask Robert for help overnight because he was out working all day and I was a stay at home mum. This was my job right? Obviously I wasn’t very good at “faking it” or pretending to keep my shit together after all. I was an educated woman with over a decade of experience with children, so why was I finding this parenting gig so bloody tough? I WAS SLEEP DEPRIVED AND I DIDN’T KNOW WHAT THE HELL I WAS DOING!! I am still astounded you can just walk out of hospital with your baby, no questions asked. It’s harder to adopt a pet!! Anyway, I digress.
Ok, back to that moment, the old me would have told Robert to shove his so called “sleep knowledge” where the sun don’t shine. Well, I probably did say something like “so you think I’m a crap mother.” But the next day I digested what he said to me; I did some research, and I started to try a few settling techniques…. And guess what???? EUREKA IT WORKED!!
Now it wasn’t a magic solution, but what I got was guidance and knowledge about baby sleep and what to try to do to help her sleep a little longer for naps and at night. It took patience, consistency and teamwork. It worked because I gave up being stubborn and accepted the sleep help, support and advice I was offered.
The reason I want to share this moment with you is because it was a pivotal point in my life where I understood that asking for help, for anything, was far better than struggling through and “getting on with it.” We are not trained to be parents and we are not perfect. Whether you need sleep help, lactation support or even just a time out to shave your legs – ask for it!! By asking for help you are not a failure, you are finally accepting that you live in a loving community, not in isolation. As my mother used to say “a problem shared is a problem halved.”
Do you want some professional advice about your baby or child’s sleep? Are you looking for a holistic approach and not a quick fix? Do you want help from someone who has experienced what it is like to be a sleep deprived parent? Book here
Janelle Jeffery Child Sleep Consultant for Sleepytime
The universe told me to write this post. You will be privy to something deep inside my soul. This is about my journey being a mum to one child.
Over 18months ago I wrote a blog post called “Just One Child.” In this post I shared the issue I had with my personal response to the question “How many children do you have?” – “Just One.” My response said I felt guilty about not being able to produce a sibling for our beautiful daughter Emily. What is said was that I was less of a woman because I could not perform the most basic thing. It reinforced that I was a failure.
After writing that piece, I did change my attitude and response. Now I happily say “I have one!”
Robert and I have been trying to have another baby for over three years. With Emily nearly 6, it has been quite the journey. With taking a multitude of vitamins, checking my temperature daily, tracking my menstrual cycle, checking my bodily fluids even visiting a fertility treatment centre, we felt we tried the best we could. Yes we could have tried more, but we just didn’t have it in us. Trying for so long we just needed to get off that rollercoaster. In the end we realized that we were so blessed. We have the most amazingly smart, funny, imaginative, breathtaking little girl who is our everything. We accepted that it just wasn’t going to happen for us.
This year has been a real turning point for me. When I see babies or pregnant bellies, the feeling in the pit of my stomach isn’t as intense. That jealousy is fading. Yes it is still there from time to time but most of the time I feel nothing but happiness for that mum. This has been a huge leap forward for me.
Four months ago I felt ready to sell the pram. I kid you not, I said to the poor mum buying it “You can’t have it unless you promise to look after it.” It took me a long time to feel that I was ready to let it go. It wasn’t just a pram, it was so much more.
When there is change, there are setbacks. Unfortunately these setbacks catch you out. Only a few weeks ago I was sitting in a meeting with 5 other colleagues. As we were saying our goodbyes, one asked, “So are you having any more children?” I proudly and confidently responded “No.” Then she shocked me by asking “Why?” With 5 faces all staring at me, my tough exterior was shattered. My brain kept saying over and over “how can she ask me this?” This question came from a mum of one too. Weren’t we on the same team? Luckily everyone else in the room could see the horror on my face and jumped in and rescued me by saying how amazing Emily was. So clearly, I am not totally over it.
Robert and I often talk about our “little family.” Now interestingly we focus on all the positives about having one child and in fact one starting “big school” next year. We no longer have nappies to change, toilet training to implement or dictated by nap schedules. We don’t need to get up a thousand times a night.
For Emily, she gets the best of both worlds. She spends a lot of time with friends at school, after school and on weekends. She is also very close to her cousins. On the plus side, she also gets true down time where she doesn’t need to negotiate with others or share her toys. She gets a choice of mummy or daddy to read her a story or even both. She still manages to fight with her fur sister Minnie Moo (the cat), but at the end of the day, it is what it is.
No matter how much guilt I carry or call myself a failure, I cannot suddenly make my body grow a baby. What I do have control over is getting the support I need to deal with the grief. What I have control over is how I respond to those road bumps and pick myself up along the way.
I have a lot to be thankful for. I have the most amazing daughter who is a pure miracle. I have the most loving husband who is my best friend. I am lucky to have so many people in my life who really do love me for me, warts and all. I can no longer dwell on what I cannot change or cannot have.
This is my personal journey being a mum to one. It isn’t over but I can see the light. If you are a mum to one or even a mum to none and are struggling right now, I hear you and I see you. Lean on people around you. Allow yourself to grieve. It does get easier.
Am I completely accepting and ok that I am the mum to one? No. Do I think I will be some day? Yes
Janelle Jeffery Child Sleep Consultant for Sleepytime
Sucking fingers or a thumb is a self-soothing strategy.
Before I became a parent I had this mental list of “my child will never…” One of those specifically was “my child will never suck their thumb.” I was really against it and thought it was a “bad habit” kids had.
Once Emily arrived she quickly refused the dummy and decided to suck her fingers instead. I guess technically it wasn’t her thumb!! At first I was really concerned as I had images of my beautiful little girl having horrendous bucked teeth.
Once learning more about infant sleep, I realised that finger and thumb sucking was in fact the perfect “self-settling tool” as the sucking sensation calms and soothes. It was something she could do for herself. Emily was an excellent sleeper and the finger sucking was only for sleep, not all through the day.
Fast forward and Emily is now 5. Recently we visited a dentist and we were told her front teeth were starting to move forward. She advised us that stopping this habit was best done prior to her permanent teeth coming though.
I was dreading tackling this issue because Emily was such a great sleeper and I didn’t want to mess with that, also I didn’t want her to be upset. I’m such a wimp!
So operation finger sucker began…
1) Talk – In the lead up to preventing Emily from sucking her fingers during the night we talked a lot about why we needed to stop the habit. I showed her a couple of pictures of children on the Internet that had bucked teeth. This wasn’t to scare her but to help explain what we were trying to prevent.
2) Reward – We talked about what we could do to reward her for not sucking her fingers. She decided she wanted to have earn a lolly every morning she didn’t suck her fingers. After 10 mornings, she wanted to go ten-pin bowling. Yep, I wouldn’t have picked that one!
3) Begin small – For a fortnight before starting, Emily stopped sucking her fingers during story time. This was difficult but not impossible for her. Giving lots of praise was crucial.
4) Tool – I decided Emily needed a tool to help her, as just asking her to not suck her fingers would be impossible plus I couldn’t watch her all through the night to check. I bought a “T-Guard™” which is basically a device that slips over the fingers (or thumb) to prevent suction. It is this suction that is comforting and pleasurable for children. It is the suction that pulls the teeth forward.
So with everything in place, we started “operation finger sucker”. I am shocked that Emily is doing so well. We are 5 nights into it and so far so good. Not being able to monitor everything that is going on is tricky, so I have to hope that it is working. I wish I had a video monitor!!
Emily is not thrilled about no longer sucking her fingers but she is settling really well at night and after a few early mornings, she is right on track. She is excited every morning to get a lolly in her bag plus a step closer to bowling. It is recommended she wear the guard for 45 nights so I guess we have a long way to go.
Sleep well.
Janelle Jeffery Child Sleep Consultant for Sleepytime.
If I buy shoes that are too small for my daughter or push her into activities that she doesn’t enjoy or keep her away from the things that she excels at because it differs from what her peers wear/do/are good at does this mean I’m a good mother? Of course it doesn’t.
It is so easy to see in this example how expecting something from my daughter that doesn’t fit with her own unique comforts, interests, and abilities can begin to harm her physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually.
I don’t see my role as a loving mother to coerce my daughter into a certain way of being or to tell her what she does and doesn’t need. It is my job to use my mothering instincts to listen very carefully and try all options available to me to create a safe, comforting, loving environment to encourage the optimal development of my little girl.
There is no doubt in my mind that you and all other mothers and fathers out there agree that we would do anything for the best interests of our children.
So why do we throw stones when one parent doesn’t push and force their beautiful baby into the mould that so perfectly fits our own baby – especially when it comes to sleep?
There is so much hate directed towards each other between the Cry-It-Out “dictators” and the Co-Sleeping “hippies”. My problem is not which method is chosen; my problem is why on earth does another baby’s needs bother you so much? (Notice how I said another baby’s needs?)
I’m not a sleep expert but I’ve tried almost all options available to me in order to help my baby girl to have restful sleep. We have all heard the horror sleep stories and I’m at neither extreme of the sleep scale but I suppose you could say my bub was closer to the no-sleep end of the spectrum.
Like some of us, I like a certain level of control in my life, and as diligent pregnant women I casually researched and talked to other mums to get advice and ideas on how to best raise our child. Before she was born, my husband and I compared notes and had a general idea of which direction we would want to take and how we could best implement these ideas.
Then our beautiful baby was born. I cuddled and hugged her, fed her to sleep, I laid down with her, I kept her by my side in a bassinet, I jumped at every murmur to feed, and cuddle and let her know I was with her. My husband stayed awake with us at every feed and every wake-up to let her know that he was there also. I carried her against me as much as I could.
She hated it. She cried and cried. Didn’t sleep in the car, didn’t sleep in the carrier, didn’t sleep in the pram, didn’t sleep in my bed, didn’t sleep in my arms. The only time she did sleep in any of these locations is only after crying until she was exhausted.
I thought I was doing the right thing by holding her close, showing I was there for her and living with her on me. It’s what she was used to after being in my belly for over 9months, it’s what she is supposed to want – right?
As a Registered Nurse and a Kinesiologist, ruling out a medical issue was first on the list. So if not that, then what was it? Why did she not do as the books said she would do? Why did she not like what the ‘experts’ said she would like?
It’s because she isn’t the print within the pages of a book, she isn’t a science experiment, she isn’t your child or your friend’s child, she is my child and she likes what she likes, and doesn’t like what she doesn’t like.
After 4 months of experimenting and trial and error, my husband and I were none-the wiser on what to do. We tried to co-sleep, we tried rocking her to sleep, we tried having her next to us in a bassinet, we tried having her outside our bedroom door, tried her in her own room and then briefly tried the cry-it-out method with friends and family there to monitor it with us – nothing worked and she would just cry herself to sleep.
It was heartbreaking – not to mention exhausting – to see our little girl struggle to get to sleep no matter what we did.
As corny as this may sound I couldn’t believe that I was unable to love-her to sleep like I was yearning to. She was, and still is such a bright, attentive, curious and happy baby by day but at naptime and bedtime it was an hour/s long process.
At this point, as with most 4-month olds, her development reached a new milestone, meaning her already short naps were getting less frequent and she began waking up more at night.
We knew it was time to get professional customised support but I was terrified of calling a sleep consultant.
I thought that I would have to re-live the cry-it-out torture but the thought of continuing to pace and rock my little girl to sleep while she cried and fought sleep for 40 minutes (after an hour-long breastfeed to get her sleepy) and then starting that whole process again after she woke 15minutes later pushed my sleep-deprived mind into making that call, booking that skype chat and listening to what our consultant, Janelle had to say.
Janelle was so thorough and created such a specific and personalised plan for our girl that I felt that maybe she could help us. I was doubtful that such a simple process could work seeing as I felt like I’d tried everything already, however we completed the program and it worked!
I cannot explain how it worked, other than seeing for myself that by rocking her in my arms I was assuming that she needed me to fall asleep, I was trying to make her fit into a mould of what I thought a baby’s sleep time should be like, but it turned out that I was hindering her and not meeting her unique needs.
I didn’t just learn how to help my daughter to sleep; I let go of my guilt and assumptions and let my daughter be her. I accepted her for what she needed from me and for what she didn’t. After changing my approach, she fell asleep within a fraction of the time; she was being put in bed awake and falling asleep on her own.
Nowadays my girl is 18 months old and still whines on falling asleep it’s just her way.
I’ve interrupted her whining-to-sleep process and asked if she was ok and she said “yes” and if she wanted me to leave and she said “yes”.
She now sleeps peacefully in the car, carrier, pram and bed but still doesn’t like the stimulation of physical contact when going to sleep. Luckily she makes sure she gets her fill of kisses and cuddles while she is awake!
Kate Lethbridge – Guest Blogger for Sleepytime
Kate Lethbridge is a Registered Nurse, Holistic Kinesiologist, Mind Body Medicine practitioner and mother who has a passion to facilitate others to achieve their biggest goals one-by-one by helping her clients become their ultimate self physically, mentally and emotionally.
For more about Kate and her services visit the following pages:
All opinions represented within this article relate to the best interests of the author, her family and her child – please make your own health care choices are based on the best interests of your own child/ren and family. Most of all, please respect the needs of other babies and don’t throw stones at their mums.
