Accepting or asking for help is hard but so wroth it.
Currently I am a member of a specific Facebook group where mums get to share and ask for each other for parenting help. I often feel saddened when one poor sleep deprived mum asks for sleep help for their baby or child. Nine times out of ten other mums share their ideas (which is great) but many say “suck it up” or “if you wanted sleep you shouldn’t have become a mum in the first place.” It can be a brutal world out there.
Not that long ago I was that sleep deprived mum, yet Facebook wasn’t a big thing. Hard to believe I know. I was curled up in a ball… my husband came home with advice and tips from another dad from his work, to help us with our daughter’s sleep or lack there of. I had been up every hour feeding, pumping and settling her.During the day I was lucky to get 45mins at a time. I didn’t ask Robert for help overnight because he was out working all day and I was a stay at home mum. This was my job right? Obviously I wasn’t very good at “faking it” or pretending to keep my shit together after all. I was an educated woman with over a decade of experience with children, so why was I finding this parenting gig so bloody tough? I WAS SLEEP DEPRIVED AND I DIDN’T KNOW WHAT THE HELL I WAS DOING!! I am still astounded you can just walk out of hospital with your baby, no questions asked. It’s harder to adopt a pet!! Anyway, I digress.
Ok, back to that moment, the old me would have told Robert to shove his so called “sleep knowledge” where the sun don’t shine. Well, I probably did say something like “so you think I’m a crap mother.” But the next day I digested what he said to me; I did some research, and I started to try a few settling techniques…. And guess what???? EUREKA IT WORKED!!
Now it wasn’t a magic solution, but what I got was guidance and knowledge about baby sleep and what to try to do to help her sleep a little longer for naps and at night. It took patience, consistency and teamwork. It worked because I gave up being stubborn and accepted the sleep help, support and advice I was offered.
The reason I want to share this moment with you is because it was a pivotal point in my life where I understood that asking for help, for anything, was far better than struggling through and “getting on with it.” We are not trained to be parents and we are not perfect. Whether you need sleep help, lactation support or even just a time out to shave your legs – ask for it!! By asking for help you are not a failure, you are finally accepting that you live in a loving community, not in isolation. As my mother used to say “a problem shared is a problem halved.”
Do you want some professional advice about your baby or child’s sleep? Are you looking for a holistic approach and not a quick fix? Do you want help from someone who has experienced what it is like to be a sleep deprived parent? Book here
Janelle Jeffery Child Sleep Consultant for Sleepytime
If I buy shoes that are too small for my daughter or push her into activities that she doesn’t enjoy or keep her away from the things that she excels at because it differs from what her peers wear/do/are good at does this mean I’m a good mother? Of course it doesn’t.
It is so easy to see in this example how expecting something from my daughter that doesn’t fit with her own unique comforts, interests, and abilities can begin to harm her physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually.
I don’t see my role as a loving mother to coerce my daughter into a certain way of being or to tell her what she does and doesn’t need. It is my job to use my mothering instincts to listen very carefully and try all options available to me to create a safe, comforting, loving environment to encourage the optimal development of my little girl.
There is no doubt in my mind that you and all other mothers and fathers out there agree that we would do anything for the best interests of our children.
So why do we throw stones when one parent doesn’t push and force their beautiful baby into the mould that so perfectly fits our own baby – especially when it comes to sleep?
There is so much hate directed towards each other between the Cry-It-Out “dictators” and the Co-Sleeping “hippies”. My problem is not which method is chosen; my problem is why on earth does another baby’s needs bother you so much? (Notice how I said another baby’s needs?)
I’m not a sleep expert but I’ve tried almost all options available to me in order to help my baby girl to have restful sleep. We have all heard the horror sleep stories and I’m at neither extreme of the sleep scale but I suppose you could say my bub was closer to the no-sleep end of the spectrum.
Like some of us, I like a certain level of control in my life, and as diligent pregnant women I casually researched and talked to other mums to get advice and ideas on how to best raise our child. Before she was born, my husband and I compared notes and had a general idea of which direction we would want to take and how we could best implement these ideas.
Then our beautiful baby was born. I cuddled and hugged her, fed her to sleep, I laid down with her, I kept her by my side in a bassinet, I jumped at every murmur to feed, and cuddle and let her know I was with her. My husband stayed awake with us at every feed and every wake-up to let her know that he was there also. I carried her against me as much as I could.
She hated it. She cried and cried. Didn’t sleep in the car, didn’t sleep in the carrier, didn’t sleep in the pram, didn’t sleep in my bed, didn’t sleep in my arms. The only time she did sleep in any of these locations is only after crying until she was exhausted.
I thought I was doing the right thing by holding her close, showing I was there for her and living with her on me. It’s what she was used to after being in my belly for over 9months, it’s what she is supposed to want – right?
As a Registered Nurse and a Kinesiologist, ruling out a medical issue was first on the list. So if not that, then what was it? Why did she not do as the books said she would do? Why did she not like what the ‘experts’ said she would like?
It’s because she isn’t the print within the pages of a book, she isn’t a science experiment, she isn’t your child or your friend’s child, she is my child and she likes what she likes, and doesn’t like what she doesn’t like.
After 4 months of experimenting and trial and error, my husband and I were none-the wiser on what to do. We tried to co-sleep, we tried rocking her to sleep, we tried having her next to us in a bassinet, we tried having her outside our bedroom door, tried her in her own room and then briefly tried the cry-it-out method with friends and family there to monitor it with us – nothing worked and she would just cry herself to sleep.
It was heartbreaking – not to mention exhausting – to see our little girl struggle to get to sleep no matter what we did.
As corny as this may sound I couldn’t believe that I was unable to love-her to sleep like I was yearning to. She was, and still is such a bright, attentive, curious and happy baby by day but at naptime and bedtime it was an hour/s long process.
At this point, as with most 4-month olds, her development reached a new milestone, meaning her already short naps were getting less frequent and she began waking up more at night.
We knew it was time to get professional customised support but I was terrified of calling a sleep consultant.
I thought that I would have to re-live the cry-it-out torture but the thought of continuing to pace and rock my little girl to sleep while she cried and fought sleep for 40 minutes (after an hour-long breastfeed to get her sleepy) and then starting that whole process again after she woke 15minutes later pushed my sleep-deprived mind into making that call, booking that skype chat and listening to what our consultant, Janelle had to say.
Janelle was so thorough and created such a specific and personalised plan for our girl that I felt that maybe she could help us. I was doubtful that such a simple process could work seeing as I felt like I’d tried everything already, however we completed the program and it worked!
I cannot explain how it worked, other than seeing for myself that by rocking her in my arms I was assuming that she needed me to fall asleep, I was trying to make her fit into a mould of what I thought a baby’s sleep time should be like, but it turned out that I was hindering her and not meeting her unique needs.
I didn’t just learn how to help my daughter to sleep; I let go of my guilt and assumptions and let my daughter be her. I accepted her for what she needed from me and for what she didn’t. After changing my approach, she fell asleep within a fraction of the time; she was being put in bed awake and falling asleep on her own.
Nowadays my girl is 18 months old and still whines on falling asleep it’s just her way.
I’ve interrupted her whining-to-sleep process and asked if she was ok and she said “yes” and if she wanted me to leave and she said “yes”.
She now sleeps peacefully in the car, carrier, pram and bed but still doesn’t like the stimulation of physical contact when going to sleep. Luckily she makes sure she gets her fill of kisses and cuddles while she is awake!
Kate Lethbridge – Guest Blogger for Sleepytime
Kate Lethbridge is a Registered Nurse, Holistic Kinesiologist, Mind Body Medicine practitioner and mother who has a passion to facilitate others to achieve their biggest goals one-by-one by helping her clients become their ultimate self physically, mentally and emotionally.
For more about Kate and her services visit the following pages:
All opinions represented within this article relate to the best interests of the author, her family and her child – please make your own health care choices are based on the best interests of your own child/ren and family. Most of all, please respect the needs of other babies and don’t throw stones at their mums.
I can be quite an anxious person. When things start to get on top of me, everything else seems to snowball.
Over the past five years, there have been a series of huge events that have happened in my life. For a perfectionist trying to keep all the balls in the air, my anxiety does a very annoying thing – it manifest at night. All day I can keep myself busy, pretend the problems are not there; but at night, when the house is quiet, my mind switches on. The strange thing is that I seem to fall asleep fine, but at 3am I bolt upright, my brain turns on and the rest of the night is a struggle.
As a sleep consultant I find it quite humorous that I have trouble sleeping. Without consolidated sleep, my level of anxiety gets worse and though I try to fool myself that everything is fine and I just can’t keep it together. I can cry at the drop of a hat or explode if my husband looks at me the wrong way. Poor sod! I seemed to have permanent PMS.
Last year when everything reached it’s peak I was starting to show physical symptoms as well as emotional ones. I was chatting to my very good friend on the phone when I suddenly I burst into tears. She said “Janelle you need to get some professional help.” I knew that too but I felt like a failure, a phony, a fake. I felt like a fool.
I knew what the problem was and what I needed to change, but I just didn’t know how to. Everything I was trying wasn’t working anymore. I also knew it wasn’t going to be a quick fix. I needed a sounding board to make these changes in a way that would give me a long-term outcome – not a quick fix. I decided to visit a recommended psychologist to see if together we could give my brain some peace and quiet. I had to ask for help.
This is often the case with the many families I have helped with baby sleep. They know things need to change, but they just don’t know how. They want support – that is the key to long-term success.
Lots of friends and family can give you tips and advice. You can buy a book and find the answers yourself. I could have bought a self-help book and tried to do it myself but there comes a time to seek out professional help. It is not as scary as you may think. What is the worst that could happen? What is the best that could happen?
If you feel that the time is right for you so seek professional help for your baby’s sleep, I am here for you. Reach out and contact me. I understand – I have been there too.
