Tag Archives: sleep training

Child Behaviour, Child Sleep, Parenting, Sleep Products, Toddler Sleep

Does your child have difficulty separating from you?

March 30, 2015 Janelle 1 Comment

Some children find separation very difficult. — Some children find separating from parents very difficult.

Do you have a child (2.5years and over) who is having a difficult time separating from you? There can be many different reasons why your child is feeling this way such as:

Change in living arrangements – a new bedroom, a new house or parent’s separating
Death of a loved one
Distance from parents due to the birth of a sibling
Separation due to parent/s work commitments especially fly-in-fly-out or interstate/overseas travel
Starting at a new day-care, kindergarten, or school
Is a sensitive soul or may just be a little more anxious than usual

Even if the reason your child having difficulty separating from you is not listed above, all children young and old need to know that their loved ones are close by. Many children will go through periods of being extra clingy. My daughter who is 5 is finding it really difficult leaving me in the morning at school. She has never been this way before. She attended day-care since she was 8months, and last year at kindergarten, it wasn’t really a problem. Now it is.

For some children separating from parents during the day is fine but when it comes to bedtime, they want you to start sleeping with them and for you not to leave them there alone. This is all normal and typical child behaviour but what I advocate is to try to reduce the stress and anxiety your child feels and for you to explain what is happening using ‘child-friendly’ language.

Though it is important to recognise what is happening with your child and attend to their needs so they feel loved and safe, it is crucial parents do not make the situation worse by making it bigger than it needs to be. Children are sensitive and they can pick up on our own feelings as much as we think we are good at hiding them. If we are tense and worried when it is time to say ‘goodbye’ then our children will sense that too.

If your child has trouble separating at night it is helpful to have a very special cuddly sleepy toy. Care-Bears are “old school” but excellent sleeping companions for older children. When you leave your child at night, come back and check in on them as they are falling asleep. Start with a 2minute check, then a 5minute check, then a 10minute check. By the time you do the final check, they should be asleep.

Care Bears are great companions for children.

Through my many years of teaching children, I find reading picture books a fantastic way to chat to them about what is happening in their world. The best book I have read and completely recommend is, “The Invisible String” written by Patrice Karst. This beautiful book is about helping adults and children understand that we are all connected and we are never truly alone. The aim of this book is to help alleviate your child’s fears from being apart from you and for your child to know they are truly loved no matter where in the world you are.

Another way to help with separation is through distraction. If you are dropping your child off somewhere, it is best to get the ‘goodbyes’ over with pretty quickly. When their teacher or caregiver etc receives your child, they are best to distract your little one by getting them engaged with something fun immediately. This is the best time for you to go. If you hover around, the separation will become worse. Typically most children settle really quickly once you are gone. Know that if there is any further distress, the caregiver will call and let you know. It is important you have a great relationship with all the people in your child’s world.

Allowing your child the opportunity to express how they are feeling is a great way to not only connect with you, but to connect to their own thoughts and feelings. Often the route cause of tantrums is due to feelings they need to express. I have found “Kimochis” toys are a wonderful way to assist children with this. These soft toys come with “feelings characters” and help children identify what they are feeling at the time. Another way is to make a “feelings” chart with ‘feeling faces’ as this can be a reference point for your child.

Kimochis are toys that help children express their feelings.

If you have a child that is having difficulty separating from you, first of all, do not feel alone in this. All children go through this at some stage. If you can identify why they are feeling this way, then try to reduce their worry by implementing the suggestions in this post.

If you find night-time separation a real battle, then book in a chat together here.

Sleep well,

Janelle

Baby Sleep, Child Sleep, Sleep Training Methods, Toddler Sleep

Do you want nap time success?

March 9, 2015 Janelle Leave a comment

Almost all parents at some stage of their child’s life find naptime difficult. Some naptime issues include:

Your child needs your help to nap;
Your child finds it difficult to fall asleep at all; or
Your child only catnaps.

There are many more nap problems that I haven’t included here but these are definitely the most common. If you are experiencing difficult naps, here are my tips for better nap time success:

1. Sleeping independently

This is a big one. What I find is if you are helping your child to fall asleep (rocking, patting, feeding, dummy, bouncing etc) to sleep, often these sleep associations have an expiry date of usefulness. With a newborn the rules are different. Feeding to sleep was fine, but eventually that will stop working for you, so you move on to say, rocking to sleep. Now your child is too heavy so you change to patting. Suddenly you realise that your ‘bag of tricks’ is empty and your child still isn’t sleeping on their own. Now it is time to place your child into the cot completely awake without your help so they can begin to establish their own tools to fall asleep. Easier said than done right? If you need some help, contact me here.

2. Provide a ‘sleepy’ environment

Again, newborns can usually sleep anywhere. Once your baby passes this newborn phase, it is important that the majority of the time they are sleeping where it is dark and fairly quiet. If you have a noisy house during they day, white noise can help. Try to make the room as dark as you can. Why? Darkness helps the body to produce melatonin that makes us sleepy. The temperature of the room needs to be on the cooler side (not cold). If you cannot change the temperature, dress your child in lightweight clothing. If your child is too hot, it is harder to sleep.

3. Send the message it is “sleepytime”

Most parents have the bedtime routine down pat, but forget to send the same message at nap time. Your child needs the cue that it is “sleepytime”. It may seem obvious to us the cot is there, so it must be “sleepytime”, BUT babies need time to unwind and understand what is happening at that moment.

Here is an example of a nap routine:

Go into the bedroom
Change nappy
Sit and read a quick story
Kisses and cuddles
Say “it’s sleepytime”
Into the cot awake

4. Allow time to resettle

Some children’s cries will go from nothing to hysterical in less than a minute. When your child wakes up after the first sleep cycle (30-45mins), he will cry out and you will run in immediately. This is part of being a responsive parent right? Yes totally but the problem with rescuing your child so quickly is that they are still tired and not finished napping. This is the reason they are so upset. Your child really wants to sleep more but they are not sure how too. If your child isn’t falling asleep independently at the beginning of the nap, then clocking on to the next sleep cycle without your help is difficult. Don’t be afraid to wait a little to allow them the chance to fall back to sleep. Always listen to the cries and if there are breaks, then just wait a little. If you are needed, try for 10-20mins to extend the nap by offering some gentle touch. This won’t be easy at first, but the more you do it, the better the chance you will be successful.

Combating naptime struggles are often frustrating and exhausting for not only you, but also for your child. Naps do take a lot of time to perfect, and just when you think you have it all sorted, it is time for your baby to drop a nap. If you wonder if your child is ready to drop a nap, download the “Sleepytime Guide to Mastering Nap Transitions” here.

Sleep well,

Crying, Parenting, Sleep Training Methods

Is it ok to leave your baby to cry?

January 5, 2015 Janelle Leave a comment

Listening to your child cry can be difficult.

Crying is a sensitive subject and is often the topic of strong debate over social media amongst parents and professionals. I often avoid entering into it as I feel that the topic of crying is a multifaceted one and there is never the perfect answer.

I wanted to write about my personal experience with children who cry when they are learning to sleep independently. I am writing it to provoke thought and discussion, not to add fuel to the fire.

I am regularly asked by concerned parents, “do you use ‘cry-it-out’ methods?” This is a difficult question to answer because one person’s idea of CIO can be completely different to another person’s idea. My response is always this, “when you make changes to any child’s sleep habits there will always be some crying as the experience is different and unfamiliar to them. I use a variety of gentle techniques and will always work within your comfort level of crying.”

Asking parents to work within their own comfort level of crying is important but the main drive of this blog post is to explore not only how parents feel about crying, but also how the child feels about it. I will share with you two very different scenarios that happened recently.

Family 1 – Thomas was 15months old and he was taking a really long time to fall asleep at night. Mum and Dad were very comfortable with leaving Thomas to cry and would leave him for quite some time on his own until he finally fell asleep. Unfortunately after many months of leaving Thomas to cry, there was no reduction in the length it took for him to settle at night. Once I assessed Thomas’ sleep issues, I decided to not only amend his daytime nap to avoid overtiredness at bedtime, but I implemented a strategy where Thomas was offered regular reassurance from his parents as he was falling asleep. Leaving Thomas to cry was not necessarily wrong; it was just the wrong strategy for him.

Family 2- Henry was 8months old and he had many sleep associations that were hindering him becoming an independent sleeper. Henry’s parents were clear that they wanted a very slow and gentle process for him with minimal crying. Taking that on board, I wrote a sleep program where Henry would be offered lots of reassurance (like Thomas), and with very reduced periods of time where Henry was to be left alone to cry. What was interesting was that it became very clear early on that Henry became more upset and hysterical each time his parents tried to reassure him. Henry was telling his parents that he wanted to be left to figure it out for himself. This was a difficult situation for his parents but they soon realised it was important to attend to Henry’s needs the way he wanted it, not necessarily the way they wanted to give it. Once Henry was given some space to figure it out, he began sleeping independently.

Here I have presented two very different scenarios where parents had different comfort levels of crying. It is important to work within YOUR comfort level of crying, but it is essential to use a strategy that is right for your child. What works for one, may not work for another.

So if you are looking at helping your child to sleep independently, it is important that you not only choose a strategy that is perfect for your child, but find a sleep consultant who has a range of techniques because if you try to apply a ‘one size fits all’ approach like many books offer, it often doesn’t work and you end up with a distressed child and frazzled parents.

Janelle Jeffery

Child Sleep Consultant for Sleepytime

Child Behaviour, Child Sleep, Parenting, Sleep Training Methods, Toddler Sleep

Toilet Training and Sleep

December 27, 2014 Janelle Leave a comment

It is such a momentous time in your child’s life when they become free of nappies and are learning to toilet train. Unfortunately this huge change in your child’s life can really affect sleep.

Toilet training can really affect your child's sleep. — Toilet training can really affect your child’s sleep.

1. Increased night wake ups

Just like any other developmental milestone, the brain is very active at night making sense of all the new information it has learnt. A very active mind can cause your child to wake up more frequently. If your child could sleep independently before toilet training began, then they can during and after – as long as you are consistent with your approach. You may need to attend to your child more frequently during the night, but once you know they are fine, then leave them to fall asleep on their own without your help.

2. Toilet requests at bedtime

Always include a trip to the toilet before a nap and before bedtime in your standard sleep time routine. For a while your child may call out and request a visit to the toilet. This can be difficult for parents as it can feel like a stalling technique. I am sure your child will eventually realise it can be used as one so your judgement here is crucial. If you have had 3 visits to the toilet with no success, then ignore any other requests past that point. You may have a few accidents in bed, but that is part of the joy of toilet training.

3. Requests during the night

So your child is now waking up during the night to go to the toilet. This again is part of the process of learning those toileting cues. Yes you may have a few months of getting up during the night, but again, once your child has been to the toilet, leave them alone to fall asleep independently.

4. Milk at bedtime

If you are still including a bottle or cup of milk during the bedtime routine, I urge you to cut this out of the routine once toilet training has commenced. This will reduce the midnight visits to the toilet.

A child learning how to use the toilet can be a fast or slow process. Not all children are the same so the more relaxed and chilled out you are about it, the better it will be all round. Yes your child’s sleep will be disturbed for a while, but if you are consistent with your approach and you continue to encourage independent sleeping habits, the easier it will be for everyone.

Janelle Jeffery

Child Sleep Consultant for Sleepyime

About Janelle, Parenting, Sleep Training Methods

The Battle of the Experts

June 15, 2014 Janelle Leave a comment

Something very interesting when down on Facebook last night. I follow Pinky McKay (popular lactation consultant) who published an article on BubHub called “Does my baby need a feeding routine?” What makes this interesting is that Tizzie Hall (Sleep Professional) took offence and posted a response. I follow both these ladies out of interest first and foremost, but because they seem to be the extreme of each other. Here is their argument.

Pinky McKay wrote, “expecting a baby to eat according to a strict regime, which restricts the duration and quantity of feeds, is not only unrealistic but can also contribute to a failure to thrive.” What Pinky is basically saying is that if you put your baby on a feeding timetable, they won’t put on weight.

Tizzie Hall wrote in response that, “if this was true why would special care baby units put prem babies on a feeding and sleeping routine to help weight gain.” Interesting counter argument don’t you think? All three of Tizzie Hall’s babies were placed in special care units. She then goes on to say, “to get discharged from hospital all three… had to be on a four hour feeding routine.” What Tizzie is saying is that feeding routines encourage weight gain.

Now most of you would be familiar with Pinky McKay and Tizzie Hall. So, for a new mum out there I can see why parenting can be so confusing. So who is right? Both have years of experience and training in their field. Can they both be right?

Here is where I stand, exactly in the middle. I think they are both right. Why does it have to be one way or the other? Why can’t lactation consultants and sleep consultants work together? Food and sleep are the two basic needs of a newborn, apart from love. When I work with a family who has a newborn, I look at both. Establishing healthy feeding is a priority but so is sleep. If your baby isn’t eating well, they are not going to sleep.

If you solely look at feeds and whenever your baby cries you feed them, this will encourage them to snack feed and fall asleep on the boob. The feed will not be complete. Only having a little food in their tummy will mean your baby will cat nap and wake up hungry.

If you solely look at a sleep schedule, your baby may in fact be hungry and you will have lots of crying as you try and force them to sleep. This is not fun for any mother or baby.

My advice is to educate yourself on both topics. Choose someone like me who will sift through the extremes and actually teach you how to read your babies tired and hunger cues. Having a loose schedule helps you to determine if your baby is tired or hungry. Forcing a baby to eat when tired isn’t the answer either. Establishing healthy sleep habits from birth does not include any sort of ‘cry-it-out’ methods. Not all sleep consultants are militant about schedules and hopefully the same goes for lactation consultants.

If you are confused and do want a little direction, contact me about my newborn programs. Arming yourself with the right information is about making your job as a parents easier, not harder.

Janelle Jeffery

To read the Pinky McKay article, click here.

Help your child to love sleep