Increasing the bond between baby and daddy is so important.
The first few months, when your bundle of joy first arrives home with you, is about establishing the bond between mother and baby. This usually occurs during the breast-feeding process. This can equally happen when your baby is bottle-fed, but again most mothers feed their baby far more than dads do. Often dads feel a little left out and over time don’t really know how to become more involved in the process. Fast forward 12months and still bedtime is about mummy and baby with dad being excluded altogether.
The longer dads are left out of the bedtime and settling process, the harder it can become. First of all, it just becomes habit or the norm for mum to tackle the bedtime routine and night wake ups. Secondly dad just loses confidence and really doesn’t know what to do because he feels he doesn’t have “the right equipment”.
There are lots of ways dads can become highly involved with their baby right from the beginning. Breast-feeding is very important, but other than that, dads are capable of doing everything else from nappies, bath-time, story time and even putting baby to bed.
When I speak with parents, a lot of the discussion is about how to involve dad more. It is not because these dads are against helping, but they feel like they are making things worse because their baby seems to protest more until mum comes in to rescue them. Here is a simple example of how to involve both parents at bedtime:
Bath time and massage (Dad)
Nappy and pyjamas on (Dad)
Breast-feed (Mum) and Story (Dad)
Kisses and cuddles (Mum). Mum leaves.
Kisses and cuddles (Dad)
Into the cot (Dad)
As many dads work, evening is the only time to spend with baby. Quality bonding time is crucial. Being included in the bedtime routine is far more beneficial for baby rather than playing before bed when baby is clearly tired.
When baby wakes in the night, unless it is a “feed time”, dad can help to resettle all other times. As a mum myself, I often took the ‘night-shift’ because my husband worked long hours and I could take a nap during the day to catch up on sleep. I totally understand this way of thinking. What if this is not about who needs sleep more BUT about increasing bond time with your baby? Leaving the settling up to one single person really limits the possibility of your baby bonding equally with both parents.
Just because your baby is breast-fed, this should not determine who does all the settling and who does the bedtime routine. Sleep should not be the sole responsibility of one parent. Share the load and share this amazing bonding experience equally.
Sleep well,
Janelle Jeffery Child Sleep Consultant for Sleepytime
If I buy shoes that are too small for my daughter or push her into activities that she doesn’t enjoy or keep her away from the things that she excels at because it differs from what her peers wear/do/are good at does this mean I’m a good mother? Of course it doesn’t.
It is so easy to see in this example how expecting something from my daughter that doesn’t fit with her own unique comforts, interests, and abilities can begin to harm her physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually.
I don’t see my role as a loving mother to coerce my daughter into a certain way of being or to tell her what she does and doesn’t need. It is my job to use my mothering instincts to listen very carefully and try all options available to me to create a safe, comforting, loving environment to encourage the optimal development of my little girl.
There is no doubt in my mind that you and all other mothers and fathers out there agree that we would do anything for the best interests of our children.
So why do we throw stones when one parent doesn’t push and force their beautiful baby into the mould that so perfectly fits our own baby – especially when it comes to sleep?
There is so much hate directed towards each other between the Cry-It-Out “dictators” and the Co-Sleeping “hippies”. My problem is not which method is chosen; my problem is why on earth does another baby’s needs bother you so much? (Notice how I said another baby’s needs?)
I’m not a sleep expert but I’ve tried almost all options available to me in order to help my baby girl to have restful sleep. We have all heard the horror sleep stories and I’m at neither extreme of the sleep scale but I suppose you could say my bub was closer to the no-sleep end of the spectrum.
Like some of us, I like a certain level of control in my life, and as diligent pregnant women I casually researched and talked to other mums to get advice and ideas on how to best raise our child. Before she was born, my husband and I compared notes and had a general idea of which direction we would want to take and how we could best implement these ideas.
Then our beautiful baby was born. I cuddled and hugged her, fed her to sleep, I laid down with her, I kept her by my side in a bassinet, I jumped at every murmur to feed, and cuddle and let her know I was with her. My husband stayed awake with us at every feed and every wake-up to let her know that he was there also. I carried her against me as much as I could.
She hated it. She cried and cried. Didn’t sleep in the car, didn’t sleep in the carrier, didn’t sleep in the pram, didn’t sleep in my bed, didn’t sleep in my arms. The only time she did sleep in any of these locations is only after crying until she was exhausted.
I thought I was doing the right thing by holding her close, showing I was there for her and living with her on me. It’s what she was used to after being in my belly for over 9months, it’s what she is supposed to want – right?
As a Registered Nurse and a Kinesiologist, ruling out a medical issue was first on the list. So if not that, then what was it? Why did she not do as the books said she would do? Why did she not like what the ‘experts’ said she would like?
It’s because she isn’t the print within the pages of a book, she isn’t a science experiment, she isn’t your child or your friend’s child, she is my child and she likes what she likes, and doesn’t like what she doesn’t like.
After 4 months of experimenting and trial and error, my husband and I were none-the wiser on what to do. We tried to co-sleep, we tried rocking her to sleep, we tried having her next to us in a bassinet, we tried having her outside our bedroom door, tried her in her own room and then briefly tried the cry-it-out method with friends and family there to monitor it with us – nothing worked and she would just cry herself to sleep.
It was heartbreaking – not to mention exhausting – to see our little girl struggle to get to sleep no matter what we did.
As corny as this may sound I couldn’t believe that I was unable to love-her to sleep like I was yearning to. She was, and still is such a bright, attentive, curious and happy baby by day but at naptime and bedtime it was an hour/s long process.
At this point, as with most 4-month olds, her development reached a new milestone, meaning her already short naps were getting less frequent and she began waking up more at night.
We knew it was time to get professional customised support but I was terrified of calling a sleep consultant.
I thought that I would have to re-live the cry-it-out torture but the thought of continuing to pace and rock my little girl to sleep while she cried and fought sleep for 40 minutes (after an hour-long breastfeed to get her sleepy) and then starting that whole process again after she woke 15minutes later pushed my sleep-deprived mind into making that call, booking that skype chat and listening to what our consultant, Janelle had to say.
Janelle was so thorough and created such a specific and personalised plan for our girl that I felt that maybe she could help us. I was doubtful that such a simple process could work seeing as I felt like I’d tried everything already, however we completed the program and it worked!
I cannot explain how it worked, other than seeing for myself that by rocking her in my arms I was assuming that she needed me to fall asleep, I was trying to make her fit into a mould of what I thought a baby’s sleep time should be like, but it turned out that I was hindering her and not meeting her unique needs.
I didn’t just learn how to help my daughter to sleep; I let go of my guilt and assumptions and let my daughter be her. I accepted her for what she needed from me and for what she didn’t. After changing my approach, she fell asleep within a fraction of the time; she was being put in bed awake and falling asleep on her own.
Nowadays my girl is 18 months old and still whines on falling asleep it’s just her way.
I’ve interrupted her whining-to-sleep process and asked if she was ok and she said “yes” and if she wanted me to leave and she said “yes”.
She now sleeps peacefully in the car, carrier, pram and bed but still doesn’t like the stimulation of physical contact when going to sleep. Luckily she makes sure she gets her fill of kisses and cuddles while she is awake!
Kate Lethbridge – Guest Blogger for Sleepytime
Kate Lethbridge is a Registered Nurse, Holistic Kinesiologist, Mind Body Medicine practitioner and mother who has a passion to facilitate others to achieve their biggest goals one-by-one by helping her clients become their ultimate self physically, mentally and emotionally.
For more about Kate and her services visit the following pages:
All opinions represented within this article relate to the best interests of the author, her family and her child – please make your own health care choices are based on the best interests of your own child/ren and family. Most of all, please respect the needs of other babies and don’t throw stones at their mums.
Some children find separating from parents very difficult.
Do you have a child (2.5years and over) who is having a difficult time separating from you? There can be many different reasons why your child is feeling this way such as:
Change in living arrangements – a new bedroom, a new house or parent’s separating
Death of a loved one
Distance from parents due to the birth of a sibling
Separation due to parent/s work commitments especially fly-in-fly-out or interstate/overseas travel
Starting at a new day-care, kindergarten, or school
Is a sensitive soul or may just be a little more anxious than usual
Even if the reason your child having difficulty separating from you is not listed above, all children young and old need to know that their loved ones are close by. Many children will go through periods of being extra clingy. My daughter who is 5 is finding it really difficult leaving me in the morning at school. She has never been this way before. She attended day-care since she was 8months, and last year at kindergarten, it wasn’t really a problem. Now it is.
For some children separating from parents during the day is fine but when it comes to bedtime, they want you to start sleeping with them and for you not to leave them there alone. This is all normal and typical child behaviour but what I advocate is to try to reduce the stress and anxiety your child feels and for you to explain what is happening using ‘child-friendly’ language.
Though it is important to recognise what is happening with your child and attend to their needs so they feel loved and safe, it is crucial parents do not make the situation worse by making it bigger than it needs to be. Children are sensitive and they can pick up on our own feelings as much as we think we are good at hiding them. If we are tense and worried when it is time to say ‘goodbye’ then our children will sense that too.
If your child has trouble separating at night it is helpful to have a very special cuddly sleepy toy. Care-Bears are “old school” but excellent sleeping companions for older children. When you leave your child at night, come back and check in on them as they are falling asleep. Start with a 2minute check, then a 5minute check, then a 10minute check. By the time you do the final check, they should be asleep.
Care Bears are great companions for children.
Through my many years of teaching children, I find reading picture books a fantastic way to chat to them about what is happening in their world. The best book I have read and completely recommend is, “The Invisible String” written by Patrice Karst. This beautiful book is about helping adults and children understand that we are all connected and we are never truly alone. The aim of this book is to help alleviate your child’s fears from being apart from you and for your child to know they are truly loved no matter where in the world you are.
The Invisible String by Patrice Karst
Another way to help with separation is through distraction. If you are dropping your child off somewhere, it is best to get the ‘goodbyes’ over with pretty quickly. When their teacher or caregiver etc receives your child, they are best to distract your little one by getting them engaged with something fun immediately. This is the best time for you to go. If you hover around, the separation will become worse. Typically most children settle really quickly once you are gone. Know that if there is any further distress, the caregiver will call and let you know. It is important you have a great relationship with all the people in your child’s world.
Allowing your child the opportunity to express how they are feeling is a great way to not only connect with you, but to connect to their own thoughts and feelings. Often the route cause of tantrums is due to feelings they need to express. I have found “Kimochis” toys are a wonderful way to assist children with this. These soft toys come with “feelings characters” and help children identify what they are feeling at the time. Another way is to make a “feelings” chart with ‘feeling faces’ as this can be a reference point for your child.
Kimochis are toys that help children express their feelings.
If you have a child that is having difficulty separating from you, first of all, do not feel alone in this. All children go through this at some stage. If you can identify why they are feeling this way, then try to reduce their worry by implementing the suggestions in this post.
If you find night-time separation a real battle, then book in a chat together here.
In an ideal world, bedtime would be the best time of the day where you get to share some special time with your child or children as they unwind and get ready for bed. You share stories about the day, read books, give lots of kisses and cuddles then they drift peacefully off to sleep.
Now in the real world, that seldom happens. As you merely mention the word “bath time” or “bedtime” world war three erupts. You throw them over your shoulder as you wrestle each other to the bathroom. As you try to rip their clothes off, they run away from you. You manage to catch their nose on the neckline and suddenly they are in tears and so are you. You give up on the bath, forgo story time, turn on the telly you all fall asleep on the couch through total exhaustion.
I remember a few years ago I would send myself to timeout, as I was afraid of what I would do if I stayed there any longer. YOU ARE NOT ALONE!! So, through my own personal experience, here are a few tips to help ease that bedtime battle…
Play before bath
After dinner is the best time to offer your child a time to play. When it is approximately 30-40minutes before lights out, this is the ideal time to start your bedtime routine. The routine starts with a bath or shower, and ends up in the bedroom with lights out. The bedtime routine is isolated in the bedroom and bathroom only as this becomes the cue that it is “sleepytime”.
Give a heads up
Approximately 5 minutes before the bedtime routine begins, give your child a warning that playtime is nearly over and bath time is about to begin. Imagine you are halfway through painting your nails and you are told to down tools and head to bed. I would say you would be pretty annoyed at being yanked away, plus you haven’t finished yet. Now imagine you get your nail varnish out and I say “you have 5minutes until bath time”. Now you have the choice to quickly paint your nails or choose something else less time consuming. You can even set a timer and once it goes off, it is time to stop playing.
Walk and talk
Once playtime is over, walk and talk. Say “I am heading to the bathroom, I will see you there.”This enables you to be out of the room before the negotiating or arguing starts. You can even make it fun. Tonight we are going to stomp like dinosaurs. Tonight we are going to fly like birds. This is making the transition fun and a slight extension of play.
Offer specific praise
Children love to please. They want to be recognised for doing good deeds. Offer praise and lots of it, BUT make sure the praise is specific to what they are doing. If your child stops playing and heads to the bathroom without a fuss, by saying “good boy” or “good girl” has no meaning to them. If you change it by saying “I liked how you came to the bathroom straight away” allows the child to understand exactly what behaviour pleases you. “I noticed you got into the bath quickly tonight.” Being clear is really important.
Be consistent
There will be some nights when your child will be a true angel and bedtime is a magical experience. There will be some nights when your child is over it and just wants to do what they want to do. Regardless, if you are 100% consistent with your evening routine, YOUR BATTLES WILL BE REDUCED immensely. If one night you are strict with the 5minute warning and the next you give in and agree to 5minutes more, you will inevitably create a bigger bedtime battle.
Children love routine and consistency even if at times they seem to want to resist it. After over a decade of working with children I know this is a definite fact. If you chop and change the rules, your child will be confused and you will pull your hair out.
All in all, bedtime should be a lovely part of your day. If you can keep it a positive and loving experience instead of a screaming match, you will begin to see the change pretty quickly. Every family goes through this bedtime battle from time to time so you are not alone.
It can be exhausting when your child refuses to eat.
This week the hot topic of conversation with my friends and clients has been regarding eating (or lack of) amongst our children. There is always great concern about trying to encourage our children to eat more. I work with parents to help their children learn to love sleep, but time and time again I am seeing a link between fussy eaters and poor sleepers.
Two common causes of children not wanting to eat are; too much milk and lack of sleep.
MILK
Milk is a great food source so I am not here to persuade you to stop giving it to your children, but what I want to highlight is how it can impact on lack of appetite.
Imagine you had two large milkshakes a day. How much solid food would you be able to consume during the day after that? My guess is not much. If your child is drinking copious bottles of milk during the day and night, then chances are they are not that interested in much else. Milk is drunk quickly and easily and it makes you feel full for a long time.
With the many families I have worked with, once we reduce or even eliminate the milk during the night, we observed an almost instant increase in appetite during the day. This all depend on the age of the child of course.
Breast-milk or infant formula should be the main source or nutrition for the first 9months of age. After this time, your child should be eating “three meals a day and the frequency of milk feeds is beginning to decline,” Mererilinga (2011). By 12months of age, many babies substitute breast-milk or infant formula with cow’s milk. Regardless of which form or milk your child is offered, by this time solid food becomes more important.
It is important to note that drinking lots of cow’s milk is not necessarily a good thing. “In fact, milk makes it harder for the body to absorb iron and can contribute to iron-deficiency anaemia”.Kid’s Health.
So how much is enough? Well, it is all about balance. It is recommended that toddlers aged between 2-3 years have 1.5 serves of dairy a day. It should come from a variety of food sources, not just milk. Raising Children Network.
If your child is having multiple milk feeds or bottles during the night past 8 months of age, chances are they are not only full during the day, but they are not getting enough sleep.
LACK OF SLEEP
A tired child will not want to eat. As adults, the more tired we are, the more we tend to eat. In my experience, I find the opposite happens for many children. If a child is tried, they do not want to sit there at the table and eat a full meal. It is too much like hard work.
If your child is tired, offering them an early dinner is far more beneficial than stretching them out to their usual set dinnertime. If you do try and delay dinner, chances are you will have a battle on your hands and your child will refuse to eat. Offer an occasional 4:30pm dinner to ensure they have enough energy to eat.
If your child is up multiple times during the night, and certainly if they are still taking milk during the night, I would bet that they are not interested in eating breakfast. You want your child to wake up in the morning feeling refreshed and HUNGRY!!
Case Study
Often too much milk and lack of sleep go hand in hand. Last year I worked with Amelia (15months) who was still taking up to 4 breast-feeds in the night. She never wanted breakfast and she was a picky eater throughout the day. Once we cut out the feeds in the night and she starting sleeping through, Amelia’s appetite increased ten fold. Her parents could not believe in just two nights how hungry Amelia was in the morning and she was eating a huge breakfast.
If your child is a fussy eater, monitor how much milk they are consuming in a 24hour period. Also monitor their sleeping patterns. Below is a guide to the average amount of sleep your child should be having each day.
Age
Hours of Sleep per 24hrs
Newborn – 3 months
16-18 hrs
3 months – 6 months
15-16 hrs
6 months – 12 months
14-15 hrs
12 months – 3 years
13-14 hrs
3 years – 5 years
11-13 hrs
Healthy eating and healthy sleeping are crucial to helping your child develop the best way they can. If you are concerned about your child’s food intake, consult a child nutritional professional or your doctor. If you are concerned about your child’s lack of sleep, visit here.
